Wednesday, September 4, 2013

10 Things Pregnant Women Don't Want to Hear from You. No, Seriously.

Here are 10 things pregnant women don't want to hear from you. Or maybe it's just me.

Before we start, here's a very important rule:

When is it ok to ask a woman if she's pregnant?
Who made this picture? It's everywhere. Probably because it's true.

1.  How small they are.

If you tell a pregnant woman how little she's showing or how small she is, you are going to make her worry that the baby isn't growing correctly.  Pregnant women tend to take pride in their bumps no matter how small, and insulting size of the bump is a below-the-belt move.  Stop being such a size queen. If you want proof that this doesn't go over well and there aren't any pregnant women around, find a man and tell him how small his penis is.  It's pretty much the same thing.

2.  How big they are.

This rule applies to all people, regardless of pregnancy status.  You should know this rule already.

3. How awful your personal experience with birth was or how much it hurt.

Because scaring the shit out of someone is a douchey thing to do.  Everyone knows it's not going to feel like a day at the spa and everyone knows that things can go wrong. If someone asks about your experience, feel free to be honest, but don't dish unless asked.

4.  How much worse things are going to get later on in the pregnancy.

If someone's having an easy time of it so far, why on earth would you rain on their parade? You don't know for sure if it's going to get easier or harder for them, so shut up.

5.   Any opinions you may have on the sex of their baby.

See this chart? Don't say these things. DO NOT be that person.


6.  Any opinions you may have on the name of their baby. 

We're smart this time.  We have a name and we aren't telling a soul.  Why? Because we don't give a crap what they think.  And anyone who insults a baby's name after they are born and already have it assigned to them is a jerk.

7.   Any opinions you may have on their parenting intentions. 

Sure, they probably have no idea about the gong-show that is a newborn baby.  If they believe they can give their kid exclusively paleo organic food, never let their child see the screen of a TV or computer, and that their child will never cry or tantrum, let them believe it. Who cares?  I'm sure when you were a kid you thought you'd be an astronaut when you grew up.

8.  Your old wive's tales predicting the sex of the baby. The number of people that will arbitrarily look at the shape of your stomach and tell you the sex of your baby is pretty funny.  My favourite was when I was pregnant with my son (you know, a boy) and someone told me I looked so wrecked that surely I was having a girl, because they "steal all your beauty." Thanks for that.

9.  Your guesses as to how far along they are, or how many babies they are having?

 If you want to play guess the weight, go to a freaking carnival.  Unless you are bang on, you can only lose in this situation.

- If you guess too late, people think they are gaining too much weight.
- If you guess too early, people think their baby is too small.

If you find yourself in a position where you've done this to a person, the only way to correct it is to let them guess your age or weight.  

10. "You must be having twins!"

Maybe.  But most people aren't, so shut up about it.  If you are pregnant, not having twins, and someone says this to you, I suggest you say it right back to them whether they are pregnant or not.


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I've adopted the same commenting policy as seen here at Off Beat Mama ( I won't post comments if they strike me as attacking, judgmental, rude, or unproductive. In general if you are willing to put your name to something, I'll post it, but remember to keep your words sweet, because someday you may have to eat them.