Tuesday, April 9, 2013

How To Make a 30 Minute Walk Take 3 Hours

Since I'm not an expert in this area, I figured I'd pass the blog over to my three-year-old who is, in fact, an expert at how you can make a 30 minutes walk take 3 hours.

 Strategy One:  Look at these bits of grass. Aren't they beautiful? Run your fingers through them all, count every one.  Stuff a few in your pockets, but only if other adults are around to see you pulling things out of someone else's planter.
Strategy One

Strategy Two:  If you've walked 10 feet forward, walk 5 feet back.  Look for a construction vehicle and watch it for at least 10 straight minutes.  If anyone tries to encourage you to go faster, cry... cry a lot.  If anyone tries to carry you away, don't hesitate to yell things like "stop hurting me" or "don't touch me." 
Strategy Two

Strategy Three: If walking back 5 feet for every 10 feet you walk forward doesn't seem to be slowing you down enough, do not walk forward at all: walk backward entirely.  Very, very slowly.
Strategy Three

Strategy Four: If you are still struggling to slow down the duration of the trip, drop your pants.  Pretend it was an accident, because after all, these things can happen.  This is another time when loudly screamed phrases like "stop hurting me" and "don't touch me" work well.  Innocent smiles also work well in this situation.
Strategy Four

Strategy Five: When all else fails, simply flat-out refuse to walk.  Hell, find a nice lawn and lay down on it.  It absolutely doesn't matter if you know whose lawn it is, in fact, strange lawns are best.  Extra points if there are signs on the lawn that say "please don't touch our garden" or "keep your pets off our beautiful grass."  Speaking of the grass, count the bladess. Find a few ants, mame them, and ask your mom to fix them for you.  
Strategy Five

Strategy Six: Remain in the stationary horizontal position for as long as possible, or until someone offers you brownies and ice cream for dinner, and says you can watch any movie you want while eating it.
Strategy Six

These strategies, when combined, will guarantee to at least triple the total expected duration of any trip.  Never lose sight of the fact that your parents don't actually NEED to be anywhere, because as long as they are with you, they are already at the centre of the Universe.

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