Sunday, May 8, 2011

Reflecting Back on When I Was the Best Parent EVER!

The following is an old excerpt from my personal journal.  I wrote it on December 8th, 2010I thought it was an appropriate entry because on Mother's Day, everyone is the best parent ever!  I cut out the expletives but believe me, there were a few.  Enjoy and Happy Mother's Day everyone!

Dinner has been secured. Aias is asleep in the stroller. Peace is mine.

Three days ago, Aias learned the word no. He learned how to say it as well as how to shake his head back and forth, "no no no no no." Like any scholar, he likes to apply what he's learned as often as possible. This is a challenge. In the past few days I've found myself trying to make spur of the moment parenting decisions that I've not had to make in the past. So of course, by the end of the day I feel like the stupidest most ineffective parent that has ever walked the earth. During challenging times like this, I like to step back and think back to a time not long ago when I was the BEST PARENT IN THE WORLD. Yes, you read that correctly. I was the best parent ever. Not just on the Internet, but in real life too! NO SERIOUSLY! When was this time? Why, before Aias was born, of course. Especially in the 25 years BEFORE he was conceived. Yep, it's completely entirely true. Let me tell you all about it.

Back before I had an actual child and when I was the best parent ever, the following rules would apply, and I followed them very strictly:

- Future child would never eat things like french fries, wheat products, crackers, cookies, candy, chocolate, anything with sugar, anything that wasn't organic.
- Future child would never drink things like cow's milk or juice.
- Future child would never ride in a stroller, because I would always be baby wearing. In fact, we would never even OWN a stroller! Future child would just always be attached to me, even at 35lbs.
- Future child would never play or even own plastic toys.
- I would read future child 100 books a day.
- Future child would never watch tv, movies, ANYTHING on a screen.
- Future child would have no idea who elmo, big bird, or any characters were. Future child certainly would not own any clothing items or toys or books that featured these characters.
- Future child would never be in daycare, never have a babysitter, never go to public school, and never enter a mall.
- I would never use the word 'no' around future child.
- Future child would never wear a disposable diaper.
- Future child would never be offered a snack as bribery for keeping quiet in public (this of course, wouldn't apply with future child anyway, because future child always behaved perfectly in public).
- I would happily nurse future child until she/he was 5. I would never be annoyed with nursing, touched out, or want to plead with future child to take some water from the straw cup instead.
- Future child would rear face until she/he was at least 10. Hell, I'd be driving rear faced as well.
- Future child would wear un-branded clothes that I would find the time to sew all while keeping my house perfectly, flawlessly clean while working a full time job and taking the time to blow dry my hair each and every morning.

I was pretty awesome right? Well, it wasn't hard, especially because future child was everything below:

- Future child would sleep perfectly and with no trouble, in her/his own crib in our room. Future child would go to bed at 8pm and wake up at 8am.
- Future child would never rip books off shelves, never throw food out of her/his high chair, never smack me in the face with anything, and certainly never head butt me while I'm sleeping and give me a nosebleed.
- Future child would always be gentle and never take things from other babies or make them cry.
- Future child would happily smile at every camera.
- Future child would behave like a tiny adult in public places and stores, sit quietly during meetings while they sat on my lap, and be especially cooperative when I am on the phone.
- Future child would never want to run around a restaurant or throw a fit because they can't go under or on top of the table.
- Future child would always cooperate. ALWAYS.

See, future child would be all these things because I was an amazing perfect parent who knew how to do EVERYTHING. OTHER people's kids were the ones that did all that crazy kid crap... NOT MY KID! And why would the other kids do the crazy crap? Because they're parents weren't as good as me!!! I WAS THE BEST PARENT IN THE WORLD AND I WORKED HARD TO GET THERE!!!! Other people's kids, well, if their kids did those things it was because they were either:

a.) Doing it wrong
b.) Not trying hard enough

Does anyone else remember being the best parent in the world as well? I sometimes wonder who holds the title now. I know it's not me.

To be honest, we've managed to stick to a lot of that, but there have been some indiscretions along the way, some more extreme than others. Over time I've learned to pick and choose my battles.  What I've found is that the most important thing to remember is that no one is perfect, at least not all the time.  Additionally, you are often your most harsh critic.  As long as you love your child and try your best with the resources and information available to you, you are going to do a fantastic job.  

Happy Mother's Day, everyone!

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  1. Oh so true. I was an awesome parent before I had kids too!

  2. That is so true!!! I can totally relate. I was an amazing mother before I had kids. Better yet, my college child psych classes were always taught by NON parents preaching how it was done. Oh and my sister, dear God, she's the best parent of them all, at barely 21... With no kids, of course!

    Too funny!

    By the way, hubby and I got Dead Like Me on DVD long after and it is one of my favorite's!! I wish they had made more. Seasons on DVD are dangerous, and yet, so awesome, huh? :)


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